Top it Off

Sensing too much space over your head? Decided that blinding light is not epiphany but just the sun getting in your face about something? Party trick of frying breakfast on your head in summer becoming a tad unfunny? Getting queasy about it raining cancer on sunny days? Time to buy a hat.

"I like my hat because..."
	"... it was a Christmas present from my boyfriend."	"... it only cost 300 yen."
"...it matches my grey winter pants."	"...it's the only one that suits me."	"... it's the source of my super-powers."

There are hat people, and people who hate hat people because they look damn good in any style. The elusive perfect topper embodies a trio of musts — style, comfort and protection. Find all three in one, and you’ve got it made. It’s a case of one size definitely does not fit all, and one style cannot be worn by everyone. Many toy with the idea of buying one, until they try on a few and their friends giggle disconcertingly.

Trilby, or Bilby? One is a hat, and one is Australia’s long-nosed answer to the Easter Bunny. But which is which? It doesn’t matter. It’s okay if you don’t know your Porkpie from your meat pie or if Homburg elicits images of smelly cheese. If it looks bad, the fact that it’s a true Ecuadorian-straw Panama woven by disadvantaged children by candlelight won’t help The same can be said for brand names (as in Dior, Gucci, Martha Stewart Living), because the label doesn’t detract from the fact that it shouldn’t be worn in places where other people could see you. Dobbs, Stetson, Kangol, all big names in the hat industry, but if it doesn’t fit your head or your style, forget it and save some yen.

In aid of style background, a quick hat word association — fun for all ages! Homburg: Winston Churchill, Kid Rock. Fedora: 1940s journos, hip Grandfathers. Western: Madonna circa 2001, denim. Trucker: trendy, small head, Justin Timberlake. Derby/Bowler: Brits, The Avengers. Porkpie: jazz, sounds delish. Visor: gamblers, golfers. Bucket: surfers, tourists on the beach. Cap: FBI, mini-leaguers. Beret: stick of bread and some onions. Flat cap: Madonna post-hubby.

Realizing what styles work for you though generally requires trying on every hat in the store that isn’t tied down. Even if it looks ridiculous on the shelf, chances are it might look great on. Don’t always trust shop assistants, if they keep assuring you it looks nice, think twice. If they get their shop assistant friends from other departments to stare and assure you too, thank them kindly and walk away very fast. Take a medium-honest friend.

A quick word on this season’s carry-over favourite from last year, the Trucker hat. Not since Madame Mini’s Buxom Boosters has there been a more popular mix of padding and mesh. Though be warned, if people point enough already, it wouldn’t be a good idea to add a couple of inches of foam and logo to your noggin, except if you’re really going to drive the big rigs this summer.

Logos and slogans are nice if not overdone. Personal favourites include “Brightly Day” and “This is a hat”. Want to be original? Write it yourself, or stick on a well chosen badge or label with some sort of personal meaning. On the other hand, if “Brightly Day” is your personal mantra, don‘t. Embellishments like feathers, horns, ears, rhinestones, hairpieces and pieces of fruit should be carefully considered, reconsidered, and reconsidered again…still appealing? Go right ahead.

There is one epidemic that aces bad fashion on all fronts (imagine!), it’s called skin cancer. In this sense, and sensibly speaking, wearing anything on your dome is better than wearing nothing at all. Going bare in the sun is bad, very bad. Wear a lampshade, wear a bucket, wear a bilby, just wear something protective. A wide brim is best to shade the ears, nose and the neck. The jury is still out on the merits of the Velcro mullet-flap. Don’t lose heart, don’t give up, love the hat you buy and you’ll love wearing it.

Text & Photos by Jared Olthof