No sex please, we're married

It is an oft-repeated joke here that couples give up sex when they get married. Of course, this cannot possibly be true. Can it? KS peers under the duvet to find out.

“I remember one day in high school, talking to my friends about some-thing or other“, my friend Chika tells me, stirring her matcha latte. “I happened to mention my parents shared a double bed. My friends burst out laughing, and I remember I couldn't work out what had been so funny. One of them said 'Oh my God! They might be …!' I soon realized that it wasn't normal for parents to share bedding -— well not in my group at least.”

Chika nods as I whinge about having trouble finding double accom-modation through Japanese travel agents. “We all end up so conser-vative and shy a lot of the time, even in this day and age, and even with the person we've decided to marry!”

If you have ever found yourself puzzled by the scarcity of double beds in Japanese hotels, or of double bedding in department stores, or even by the fact that your seemingly amicable home stay host parents sleep at opposite ends of their house, you may find some answers here.

Last year a survey carried out by the Ministry of Health, Labour and Welfare found that almost a third of married couples under fifty are sexless. The term sexless is defined here as usually having sex less than once a month.

Further, one fifth of all of the couples surveyed said they had had no sex in the past year. Over one third of those surveyed said that they found sex tiresome, and timidity was also found to be a major contributor to sexlessness. The katakana word sekisuresu seems to have first appeared in the 90s, as more people became concerned about the increase of sexlessness in marriage.

The Japanese web abounds with articles on marital sexlessness. Meanwhile, psychologists estimate that around one sixth of married American couples are sexless, and that stress, overwork (particularly when both parents work), an overfull family schedule, and sleep deprivation, are among the main causes.

Among the main causes of sexlessness in Japanese marriages, however, two in particular stand out. The first is a reportedly common psychological situation, where a husband sees his wife more as a mother figure than a lover and consequently loses interest in sex with her.

This is a common problem for mazaakon-type (sometimes trans-lated as “mummy's boy”) sons of very controlling mothers, particularly in men born in the post WW2 period when Japanese women were parti-cularly relentless in directing their families, eager to contribute to the growth and recovery of Japan.

Such husbands are said to experience a period of feeling very lost without their all-managing mother when they are first married. A mazaakon type is a Japanese male who will get off the plane in Honolulu on his honeymoon and, not being sure of what to do next, call his mother. They often try to deal with these feelings by mentally putting their wife in the mother's former position.

“Successive sexlessness”, also common, is where a couple who formerly enjoyed sex, stop after having children. This is often because the husband ceases to see the wife as a woman and now sees her only as a mother, (a husband calling his wife mama or okaasan even when children are not present can sometimes be an indica-tor). Often in such cases the wife also tends to focus all her attention on the children, somewhat neglecting to spend quality time with her husband.

Sexlessness is categorised into four main types in Japan: The first is where part-ners are mutually happy without sex and require a lot of "personal space" particularly requiring their own bed, secondly, where partners agree to keep sex out of the home (often said to be in consideration of children.)

This may involve using an outside location such as a love hotel together, or, as is surprisingly often the case, affairs or brothel patronage which is actually consented to on the condition of discretion. The third type is sexlessness caused by one partner's inability to perform physically, and the fourth is sexlessness where one partner seeks a physical relationship, but is refused by the other. Often sexlessness comes from a combination of these situations.

To take a look at sexlessness from a Japanese view point, a small scale survey of 20 Kansai couples aged mainly in their 30s was taken by Kansai Scene. Among the respondents Yuka, an office worker said “Sexless- ness in Japan has so much to do with the fact that today so many Japanese marriages are not based on love, but on satisfying require-ments … of family and educational back-ground, financial status and earning potential, and all kinds of other obligations. These are not what you call arranged marriages, rather the type where a couple agree to marry beca-use they each meet the other's requirements, and they assume that love will eventually grow between them.”

Rumi, a homemaker, says “We don't talk about it much, but I think a lot of Japanese parents feel that any sex after having kids is inappropriate, and especially giving growing children the slightest indication that their parents may be sexually active (by sharing a bed in their own room, for example) is unthink- able. I actually envy that some foreign kids get to grow up seeing their parents show each other affection with kisses and hugs all the time. I think those children can grow up with a very positive and healthy outlook on marriage.”

Most female survey respondents agreed that the changes in a woman's role after bearing her first child is a primary cause of sexless- ness, as is the tendency of some Japanese parents to share a futon with their children, sometimes until near elementary school age. This custom makes perfect sense when space is limited, however is not uncommon in large homes today. Clearly it prevents sexual activity and can result in timidity and physical problems even when couples regain some privacy, or even trigger affairs.

As for sleeping arrangements, a third of the childless couples surveyed by Kansai Scene said they shared a double bed or futon, while the remainder preferred to sleep separately. Many of the latter explained that maintaining their own personal space and simply being able to get a better night's sleep alone was very important. A few remar-ked that the limited space in Japanese homes sometimes limits sleeping arrangements, although this point tends to support the choice of double bedding.

It appears that the whole sexless issue in Japan is largely tied to a very conservative family culture, which is slowly but surely changing. Some aspects of this culture are present in many parts of Asia, particularly the custom of sleeping with children until near school age.

Japan, however, unlike its Asian neighbours, is headed towards a future with an ever-increasing aged popula-tion and a birth rate that continues to dwindle even today.

Although it is difficult to see how much marital sexlessness influences the birth rate, it is only logical that these two issues are related. Today many Japanese (women in particular) concerned about sexlessness in their own marriages are obtaining information and advice through various internet sites, such as Lemon Tea and The Sogo Sexless Information Site, many of which have been set up by women's groups and counsellors.

There have also been a number of articles on sexlessness featured in both Men's and Women's magazines this year. One male sur-vey respondent said “I know that some Japan-ese men lose all sexual interest with their wives after childbirth, but I think this is unfor-tunate.” One male respondent commented “I think there is also a real switchover in some Japanese women when they reach mother-hood. A lot of women stop looking after them- selves, nag their husbands all the time, and consider sex to be out of the question, but then again there are women like that in every country.

I think the Japanese custom we have where the wife leaves the husband for months at a time to be with her mother when she gives birth is a real shame. I think that can be the start of problems in a marriage.” Another remarked that “personal space is very impor-tant to us Japanese. Many married people I know need their own space to sleep in. I guess this may have something to do with a high rate of sexlessness too.”

Which brings me to one more Japanese male's comment on the whole sleeping issue, which I encountered on my continuing quest for the double hotel room.

The man behind the counter at HIS domestic travel center apo- logized as he explained that none of the hotels at my chosen ski hill had double beds. He re-gretted to inform me that even the Kannnabe Blue Ridge Hotel's “romantic honeymoon deluxe suite for two” which I was willing to fork out extra for was furnished with two single beds!

When I asked him how this could be, he replied “Japanese people are shy. We never ask for double beds. I guess if couples want a double bed they go to a love hotel.”
Unfortunately there were no love hotels in Kannabe either!

Text: Kerrie Laturiuw