Forever a woman
Kota Ishijima, a male-to-female transgender, speaks about her tragic childhood and adolescence and how she fought to define her identity.
 Kota Ishijima was born in Japan and grew up in London, New York, New Delhi, Tokyo and Los Angeles where her father was assigned as a foreign correspondent for a Japanese news service. Being exposed to so many different cultures and environments, you would think that she would have had a rich and fulfilling childhood. This was hardly the case. Prior to moving to England, when she was three years old, she was raped and sexually abused by a family friend. She had to have surgery.
Kota Ishijima: I was always feminine to begin with. I don’t know if this was because of the surgery but I always knew that I was born into the wrong sex. This would only be the beginning. Throughout my childhood and adolescence, I had to face this same terrible experience a few more times and even as an adult. In the beginning, I used to think that these things were happening because I was somehow, unconsciously inviting them, that it was my fault. This is the mental state of many rape victims. It’s never the perpetrator they hate, they always hate themselves for what’s happened. I had gone to 17 different schools in five different countries by the time I settled in New York for college. I didn’t know who I was, whether I was Japanese-American, homosexual, bisexual or transgender. The term transgender didn’t exist back then. I knew I wasn’t gay. I was never attracted to men, especially with what I had experienced. Everyone loves to categorize. I am not bi, because I was always attracted to women but not in a sexual way. I just wanted to be one.
Kansai Scene: After such horrible experiences, were you put off having relationships?
KI: No. Actually, I met a beautiful woman and we knew after one look that it was meant to be. Regarding marriage, I always felt cursed, that I would never find true love but luckily, I found her. I was happy.
Immediately upon marrying, Kota got involved in the very male world of professional baseball, through her own love of the sport and the influence of her father, now at Daiei. She started in international operations and from Daiei he went on to work for the Seibu Lions, then for the New York Yankees, where she ended up translating for Hideki Irabu.
KS: What was working for the NY Yankees like?
KI: Although I was doing mostly interpretation for Hideki Irabu, I did not want to be just an interpreter because my original reason for coming to the Yankees had nothing to do with Irabu. I was hired to help the Yankees expand in Asia. However, I did what I had to do. As everyone knows now, Irabu did not do well, one thing led to another and Mr. Steinbrenner [the Yankees’ boss] fired me.
KS: Through all this, you were still confused about your sex?
KI: Yes. I had to look for a job because I had a family, and of course, the issue with my sex was always hanging over my head. During all this time, the gap between me and my wife spread and it had a lot to do with my inability to communicate about myself. I could not hide my feelings after a while. I was frustrated. All of my frustrations and questions I suppressed by concentrating on my work, but after the Yankees, NY Mets, etc, the challenges of opening up an office for the Yomiuri Giants took a toll on me. My motivation and my drive towards work were not based only on money. Everything was hollow. Then suddenly, this indescribable urge just burst out, maybe it was like a mid-life crisis but I knew that I was not a man. I wanted to live as a trans-family but that is a selfish ideal on my part and it just didn’t happen. I lost all motivation for work and by then, the agent for Matsui and Jason Giambi wanted to hire me. He wanted Daisuke Matsuzaka and Igawa from Hanshin. Unfortunately, we could not get Matsuzaka, but signed with Igawa and he became a 40-million dollar flop. One thing after another, I got kicked out of my house, all my money was gone, and a lot of things happened, I tried to commit suicide, had a mental breakdown, and was hospitalized for 14 days.
KS: When did you actually begin the change process?
KI: About four years ago. I started getting hormone shots. You have to go through three or four years to have everything ready. What happens is that you change the body’s system. You have to trick the body and brain into becoming a different sex. So inside out, you have to change your system. I was told that with the first shot you will lose all your male sex drive. One of the biggest differences was that males, they think about having sex or are driven by sexual connotation once every minute. Really. Freud and Jung mention the libido. Every male stimulus activity is based on sexual drive. Since I was changing, I would only think about sex once a week or twice a week. Luckily, I realized that sexual pleasure is completely different between male and female; I am able to understand both sides of the table.
KS: What kept you sane after all those rape incidents while growing up and some even when you were an adult?
KI: I don’t know. Someone or something is making me live. I always felt different and I always wanted to be normal. I wanted to grow up in the same neighborhood, I wanted to have stable friends, but this was just not possible.
Kota has since got into playing music professionally, social and sports commentary on TV, and has other projects on the go. Through all her work, she wants to talk about transgenderism but not just focus on this topic because a person is a person. No matter what their sex is.
KI: When it comes to the topic of sexuality, many people think the USA or Europe is more liberal. This is not true at all. Categorization over there is a lot harsher. Transgender people can get along with anyone but if you go to Christopher Street in NY or Castro Street in SF, no one seems to get along. However, people in Shinjuku 2-chome are more open, friendlier, and more accepting. I guess this is why I am in Japan and not in the US. Another strange effect is that ever since I became a woman, I lost about 40 percent of my male friends but I did not lose one single female friend. Not only that, I gained so many female friends and I felt that the sisterhood or the female bond is so strong! The suicide rate is 60 percent for transgenders because a lot of people can’t physically or mentally handle transformation process. So I would love to help anyone who has any questions about their gender.
KS: You just came out with a book, right?
KI: Yes. Unfortunately, it is still only in Japanese but I am hoping to come out with an English version. The title is Behind the Scenes of the WBC. I wanted this book to come out just before the tournament so it worked out great. It’s all about how the World Baseball Classic got established, the sports business aspects of it and some behind-the-scenes stories about the players who paved the way for Japan to become the first WBC champions.
KS: What are you looking forward to now?
KI: I want to become more beautiful, spiritually and physically.
KS: Message for people confused about their sexuality?
KI: This is going to sound clichéd, but really, as the great Sting said, just be yourself no matter what they say.
Check out Kota’s blog
http://profile.ameba.jp/bloomykota/
Text: Maki Nibayashi Photos: Kota Ishijima |
